Reboot -- version one thousand

Let's list the things I have re-learned for the thousandth time this month:

• Good intentions do not lead to good actions.
• Planning on doing things by myself seems to be the same as not doing them at all.
• I want what I want when I want it. And what I want is chocolate.

What is wrong with me???? I weight ten gazillion pounds and living life often hurts, goddamm it (walking up stairs, walking distances, etc.). Yet I seem to have an unbelievable resistance to eating healthy foods in reasonable quantities and getting reasonable amounts of exercise. I mean I'm not trying to become a tri-athlete for goodness sakes. I just want to walk around the block!!!

I wonder if a life coach would help. Does anybody know anything about engaging a life coach? Is it cheaper than a personal therapist? Better than a personal trainer?

If this were a twelve step program, would this count as step 1? I definitely acknowledge my weakness, so there better be something/somebody higher than me on the ladder because I'm pretty useless myself. Arghh! Let me go think about this some more....

Can You See Me?

My world is getting smaller and smaller. It started with working from home. No more commute! A really big YAY!

But I've slowly downsized my work space to a TV tray in the family room. Why? So I can watch "Charmed" each afternoon. I never saw the show when it originally ran. Now I've seen virtually every episode. I'm very into that whole Girl Power theme. But as a result, my world view is now the size of a small room. There are many days where the furthest I stray is to the the front door, where the mailbox is. I wonder if agoraphobia can be acquired simply by not going out.

I vaguely remember blue sky and sunshine. But it is winter here, and cold, so I bet I haven't missed a thing. In fact, I can hear rain as I type, so this staying inside all the time is probably a good thing, right?

Plus I don't have to pay much attention to personal hygiene or style. The same old sweatpants, t-shirt and ratty sweater are my daily work attire. I dread the days I actually have to pay attention to irritating details like putting on matching socks. But somehow I sense that maybe this isn't such a good idea. I'd like to get some exercise, but there just doesn't seem to be any point, plus "Charmed" will be on in a few hours.

Sometimes I think I might actually be fading, like in some weird sci-fi movie. Each day I get a little more transparent, a little fuzzier around the edges. Soon I will be invisible to all, yet I will still be perched here on my sofa, hearing all that goes on around me. I'm already a ghost in my own life...

Boo!

101 Things to do in 1,001 Days

I've written my "101 Things to do in 1,001 Days" list. Eventually I will figure out how to post it. But now I'm suffering from buyer's remorse; do I really intend to do all those things???? It is only January 9 and I'm tired of flossing every day! Plus I'm way behind on my exercise. Wear makeup once a week? What was I smoking?

Good intentions are hard to maintain. But even the act of creating the list helps to clarify those things that I can actually control, and those things that truly mean something to me. Though honestly I could not come up with 101 things. I had to cheat by leaving some slots for later. I stuck with reality-based items. I did not include going to China. I did not include achieving my goal weight, whatever that is. There are daily, weekly, and monthly events. Some are one-time events and others are sometimes events.

As much as I'd love to live a fulfilling life, it is a Heck of a lot of Work!

Weight-Loss or Shame-Loss?

I don't know whether this is going to be a weight-loss blog or not. Suffice it to say I have my "issues" with weight, with food, and with body image. But I really think I need a shame-loss blog more than a weight-loss blog. I often eat because I've already eaten poorly, so why not indulge myself? I don't think this is really about "indulgence" as it is about shame. I'm ashamed that I have so little self control. I'm ashamed that I abuse myself. I'm ashamed that I can't do the things I want to do. I'm ashamed that I look so fat and ugly to myself; how can I expect my husband to see beyond my two chins and fat rolls when I cannot?

I'm supposed to get my annual pap smear in a couple of weeks, and I am dreading it for all the usual reasons women dread this. I don't particularly like having tools inserted in my vagina. I don't particularly like doctors sticking their fingers in various orifices. But I especially dread this because my doctor will once again give me the "lecture". I truly believe she has an ethical and medical obligation to give me this lecture. But few things make me feel more ashamed than being reminded that I am shortening my life voluntarily, that I am setting a terrible example for my children, and that I am cheating myself out of a quality of life I desperately would like to have.

How am I supposed to respond to the lecture? There is really only one possible reaction. That is to hang my head in shame and get out of there as quickly as possible. Of course my doctor will tell you that there is another possible choice, and that is to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Duh! I never thought of that before!!

So here we are again at the beginning of the New Year. Do I sign up for Weight Watchers (again), and act like this issue is really about the food, stupid? Or do I try (again) to figure out What The Hell Is Wrong With Me? Or do I do both?

Today I think I'm going to try to throw the ball right down the middle. I'm going to try to be watchful of what I eat, and I'm going to try to also be more self-aware of why I eat and how I feel about myself. My confidence is not high. I have been here before and failed on both accounts. But try I must. And try I will.

Amen, and So Be It.

A Brand New 2008! Assembly Required

Okay, here we go again! A new year, the slate wiped clean, all hope and no disappointment on this the first day of the year.

About resolutions. Some years I do, some years I don't. This feels like a "do" year, but with a softer edge. I know the resolution is supposed to be specific and measurable, but it just doesn't feel right this year. Here are my resolutions for 2008:

1. Do Something Every Week. The "something" can be big, like "swim the English Channel", or small, like "go to a movie on a Tuesday". My life is so routine; I work, I cook, I surf, I tube out, I sleep. Repeat. It shouldn't be that hard to introduce something else, eh??

2. Be good to my body. By "good", I mean healthy. I don't like that. I'd rather eat chocolate and drink beer and watch TV. But I hear that these things can lead to very undesirable consequences. So more carrots, less chocolate. More water, less beer. More walk, less TV. Oh, the despair!!!

3. Be Me. I am not sure what is left that is mine after "employee", "wife", "mother", "daughter", etc. I know that of course I am those things. But is there a core of me that exists outside these roles? I'm honestly not sure.

Okay, hubbie calling. Ironic, given #3, huh? Oh well, later gator.