Weight-Loss or Shame-Loss?

I don't know whether this is going to be a weight-loss blog or not. Suffice it to say I have my "issues" with weight, with food, and with body image. But I really think I need a shame-loss blog more than a weight-loss blog. I often eat because I've already eaten poorly, so why not indulge myself? I don't think this is really about "indulgence" as it is about shame. I'm ashamed that I have so little self control. I'm ashamed that I abuse myself. I'm ashamed that I can't do the things I want to do. I'm ashamed that I look so fat and ugly to myself; how can I expect my husband to see beyond my two chins and fat rolls when I cannot?

I'm supposed to get my annual pap smear in a couple of weeks, and I am dreading it for all the usual reasons women dread this. I don't particularly like having tools inserted in my vagina. I don't particularly like doctors sticking their fingers in various orifices. But I especially dread this because my doctor will once again give me the "lecture". I truly believe she has an ethical and medical obligation to give me this lecture. But few things make me feel more ashamed than being reminded that I am shortening my life voluntarily, that I am setting a terrible example for my children, and that I am cheating myself out of a quality of life I desperately would like to have.

How am I supposed to respond to the lecture? There is really only one possible reaction. That is to hang my head in shame and get out of there as quickly as possible. Of course my doctor will tell you that there is another possible choice, and that is to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Duh! I never thought of that before!!

So here we are again at the beginning of the New Year. Do I sign up for Weight Watchers (again), and act like this issue is really about the food, stupid? Or do I try (again) to figure out What The Hell Is Wrong With Me? Or do I do both?

Today I think I'm going to try to throw the ball right down the middle. I'm going to try to be watchful of what I eat, and I'm going to try to also be more self-aware of why I eat and how I feel about myself. My confidence is not high. I have been here before and failed on both accounts. But try I must. And try I will.

Amen, and So Be It.